2 Cows - Scorecard to the World
Until someone tells us in
ways we can understand, or we learn by experience, we stumble blindly through
the world without a scorecard to know the players. Stumble no longer. Here's
a scorecard we can all understand.
Complex
economics and politics are easily understood when we think of them in small
numbers. 2 cows for example. Give a person 2 cows and what he does with them
tells us darn near everything we need to know about the world. See for
yourself.
For
example, LIBERTARIANS believe in a government with the fewest laws possible. If
a Libertarian has two cows and his neighbor has none, the Libertarian response
is: So what?
If
a REPUBLICAN has two cows and his neighbor has none, that's ok. If the
neighbors have a child and come to him for milk, a Republican response is to
raise the price if he can.
But
a MARKETING MANAGER might not raise the price. More likely he will make the
milk container opaque and put less in without changing the price.
If
a DEMOCRAT has two cows, he sits by contentedly when the government he voted in
taxes us to support people in other countries who have cows which were a gift
from our government.
Now
read for yourself how the rest of the scorecard works. Lawyers, stock analysts,
small businesses, large businesses, global corporations, even Microsoft can be
explained using just 2 cows.
A
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his.
A
LIBERAL: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty. You beg
your representative to tax cow owners. The government uses your money to buy an
over-priced cow and give it to your neighbor. He knows nothing about cows and
it dies. You feel close to god when Barbara Streisand (on CD) sings at the
celebration of its life.
AMERICAN
ENTERPRISE: You have two cows. You trade one for a bull and build a herd. You
borrow money to buy everyone else's herd and raise the price of dairy products
to meet your debt service. The government provides dairy price supports so your
banker can sleep at night.
AMERICAN
CORPORATE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell both, lease them back, and
build a herd by artificial insemination. You stage an IPO and use the proceeds
to buy everyone else's herd. When you control all you can of the dairy market
you do the same in every other country where you can get away with it,
channeling your income to the country with the lowest taxes. You pay your CEO
more than that country's annual GDP.
A
SMALL BUSINESSMAN: You have two cows. So does your neighbor. Yours give great
milk but milk is cheap. He makes great cheese and it's expensive. You borrow
from a banker to buy his cheese, using your cows as collateral. Your cows get
sick and you pay a veterinarian instead of the banker. The banker seizes your
cows and finances them for your neighbor. The seizure is faster and the
financing terms are more lenient if they golf together. If the neighbor attends
a different church you will believe he made your cows sick. If he follows a
different religion you will be certain he did.
A
LAWYER: You have no cows. A cow owner found a pasture he wants to buy. Buying
property is risky and the process arcane, requiring the service of a lawyer.
You agree to represent him in exchange for two cows. The pasture has no road
frontage and is land-locked. You must obtain a right-of-way. The eventual bill
for your service rises to 10 cows. A faulty milking machine electrocutes your
client's employee. His family sues for damages. You handle the defense in
exchange for 500 cows. Your client sues the milking machine manufacturer. You
make it a class action suit and settle for ten million cows for you, ten cows
for each client. The judge rejects that as excessive and awards you one million
cows. You know nothing about large scale dairy farming so your farm manager
steals milk. You suspect it but you don't care because it's an exaggeratable
tax loss.
A
WALL STREET STOCK ANALYST: You have no cows but people accept you as an expert
on them because your employer says you are. Your client whose cows are dying
asks you to say nice things about his cows so he can sell them. You tout them
in exchange for money to buy the healthiest cows you can find. Before you buy
them you tell people they are dying to drive down the price.
US
GOVERNMENT FARM POLICY: You have two cows. The government rules you can have
only one, buys the other, shoots it, pays you for milk, pours it down the
drain, and pleads to Congress for a larger budget.
A
GERMAN CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your
neighbor. Then you covet it.
A
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with
milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. If there is any left for you it is
sour.
AN
ITALIAN FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you
milk. You form an underground and start a sabotage campaign to blow up the
cows.
AN
ADVERTISING MANAGER: You have two cows. You over-charge for dairy products to
run advertising that overstates the importance of milk.
A
FRENCH VILLAGER: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three
cows. You go home for lunch. Life is good.
AN
ITALIAN VILLAGER: You have two cows but don't know where they are. While
ambling around you meet a large, dark-haired woman. She makes you lunch. Life
is good.
A
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You
inseminate them with imported sperm. Their calves are at the top of their class
at cow schools around the world where they go to gather ideas.
A
GERMAN FACTORY: You have two cows and your cousin has a brewery. You redesign
the cows to convert beer to excellent quality milk. To describe them you create
a 6 syllable noun. The cows demand 13 weeks annual vacation.
A
RUSSIAN PEASANT: You have two cows but are unsure how numbers work and think
you have five. After a bottle of vodka that rises to 12. You sell them on the
black market and use the rubles to get drunk on vodka. The buyer was the Mafia.
So was the seller of the vodka.
A
SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows none of which belong to you. You charge
high prices for pasturing them. If they give milk or calves you tell no one.
A
DEVELOPING NATION CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership
with an American corporation. They lend you the money to buy 1000 cows. You
expropriate them. The American corporation takes bankruptcy and pays all its
remaining money to its officers, leaving nothing for stock and bond holders or
creditors.
MICROSOFT:
You have two cows. You make a deal with dairies to buy no one's milk but yours.
Unable to sell milk, the other cow owners sell cheese. You give away cheese to
drive them out of business. When you control dairyland you charge a royalty on
every cheeseburger and grilled cheese sandwich sold in the world. You open milk
and cheese stores using your power over dairy customers to steer them your way.
Inside your crowded dairy stores are 100 unrelated stores paying you rent.
AN
INDIAN PEASANT: You have two cows. You worship them while you and your family
starve to death.
AN
AMERICAN LAND GRANT COLLEGE: You have two cows. You pasture them on school
lawns to cut and fertilize the grass. Your students get class credit for
milking them, using the cream for teacher and staff coffee. You don't report
any of this to the state legislature, knowing they will deduct the value from
your budget request.
AN
ISRAELI: You have two cows. You insist they be pastured on your enemy's farm at
no cost. One day he milks them before you can. You demand that your government
build a police outpost so your cows can be watched.
A
PALESTINIAN VILLAGER: You have two cows. You use one for a shield while you
throw rocks at the police. You put a time bomb inside the other and send it
into an Israeli schoolyard. When both cows die you blame the Jews.
A
POLE: You have two cows. You trade one to a Gypsy for seeds guaranteed to grow
a beanstalk reaching up to the magic kingdom. They never sprout. You trade the
second cow to the same Gypsy for seeds guaranteed to do better.
NEW
AGE X GENERATION: You have two cows. You ask: "What's a cow?" You
give them guitars but they do not learn to play. You buy their CD just the
same.
A
TEXAN: You have two cows. You eat them. When you bury the bones you strike oil
on land whose mineral rights are owned by Texaco.
A
VIRGINIAN: You have two cows. You devote years researching their family tree in
an attempt to prove their forebears came to Virginia with the earliest
settlers.
A
WEST VIRGINIAN: You have two cows. You marry one and sneak out on Saturday
night to have sex with the other.
A
KENTUCKIAN: You have two cows. You tell people they are horses. New Yorkers
believe you.
A
WISCONSIN DAIRY: You have two cows. You market more cheese from them than
anyone else and sell it to people who don't know ripe cheese from unripe. Your
motto: Eat cheese or die.
A
MEXICAN: You have two cows. You milk them once, then kill them. You sell the
milk. You sell the meat. You sell the fat. You sell the bones. You sell the
skin. You give all the money to a man who puts you in a crate for assured live
delivery in Texas.
A
SPANIARD: You have two cows. You trade them for a bull. In a macho moment the
next day you are gored to death.
The
TALIBAN: You have two cows. You must paint them black and keep their udders
wrapped in cloth. If one should ever drop a cow pie while facing Mecca you will
be beheaded. Your cousin, who has no cows, prays five times daily that he will
be the first to report you.
A
CANADIAN: You have two cows. On cold winter nights you sleep between them. You
wonder why you smell that way.
A
HUNGARIAN: You have two cows. One gives nothing but sour milk. You sell it to
your brother without telling him.
A
PHILADELPHIAN: You have two cows. Someone steals them.
A
PSYCHOANALYST: You have two cows. You talk to them once a week about the value
of wholesome milk. You expose their negative memories of calfhood. You raise
their level of consciousness. One cow can cope with this. She becomes
contented, filling her udder twice a day with sweet cream. You go off to give a
report of your success at an international conference. You forget to have
someone milk them while you're gone. Both die.
AN
ENGLISHMAN: You have two cows. You call them bovines, or kine, or Alderney, or
Jersey, or Guernsey, or Galloway, or Angus, or Aberdeen, or Holstein, or
anything except cows. You will be an expert on which of your kings and queens
loved cows, which merely tolerated them, and which hated them, and why. You
will keep a record of what they are costing you down to the penny. You will
give each of them a name. Even though they can never stray out of sight they
will have bell collars, old ones that were handed down to you.
A
CONGOLESE: You have two cows. When the highest ranking government official in
town finds out, you will be jailed and they will be his.
A
CUBAN: You have two cows. You leave one with your family and take the other to
Florida in a leaky boat. The cow makes it but you drown. The cow will later
become Archbishop of Miami.
AN
ANIMAL RIGHTIST: You invade someone's pasture and drive his cows out. They
wander onto the highway and people and cows die. You feel proud.
A
VEGETARIAN: You have two cows. You compete with them for food.
