Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. 
  
His doctor says,  "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."     
  
Paddy asks,  "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"                                                           
  
  The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.   
  
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

haha piggy.. 

@ Walkhead:  I m ROFL .. good one 

Good morning fellaws, here's one from me.. hope this will make your day.

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth.The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it’s head.The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.

“I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up, “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

@dhwase: Heard it before but thanks for refreshing ..  a good one :)

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

Two whores were talking shop…

“Why is it,” asked Sharon, “that I get as many customers as you, and yet you seem to make a lot more money than me?”

“Well, I’ll let you in on a little trick,” said Tracy. “What I do is, before I go out, I take a rubber band and stick it up my self. Then when I get a bloke back to my flat and he starts doing the business, it goes ping. I tell him he’s just broken my virginity. I usually get an extra $20 for that!”

“I’ll give that a try,” says Sharon.

She does and it works just fine. Unfortunately, one day as she was getting ready, she found that the bag of rubber bands was empty. She searched around, but all she could find was a catapult. She carfully inserted the catapult and set off for work. Having returned with a fella, Sharon spread them and as the bloke got going there was the usual ping.

“You’ve just broken my virginity!” said Sharon.

“Screw that,” said the punter. “My balls have just flown out of the window!”

Hope its not a repeat

 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to [Disallowed String for - bad word] your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One
day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I stood there for a moment watching her delicious rear, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car!

A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift  which  she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg.
She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 129".

The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.
The Nun once again says, "Father remember Psalm 129".

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and it said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."

wanna know why we need a better health plan?

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

“Ah,” said the doctor, “Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode.”

“Oh.” said Her Majesty. “Well, in that case I suppose it’s understandable.”

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

“Goodness Gracious!” shrieked Her Majesty, “I demand an explanation of this kind of sordid goings- on!”

“Ah,” said the Doctor, “same problem – but he has a better health plan.”

Grand, an undertaker in Pennsylvania came home with a black eye. "What happened
to you?' asked his wife. "I had a terrible day,' replies Grand. "I
had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I
got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag
because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I find the room and, sure
enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge
erection. So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and
tried to snap it in half." "I see,' says his wife. 'But how did you
get the black eye?" Grand replies, 'Wrong room!"

Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to
walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was
running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I
forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back
to the station to get them."
George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido,
one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station,
so she lifted her skirt for the dog.
Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10
seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is
off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police
cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his
mouth.

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the
station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of
schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he
undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into
bed.

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you
go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some
aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room,
he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the
druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

What a woman says...



This place is a mess! C'mon!

You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor and

You'll have no clothes to wear if we

don't do laundry right now!



What a man hears...



blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!

YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!

blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah

blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blahblah blah blah

RIGHT NOW!

enjoy

A guy goes into a bank. The clerk says,’Can I help you, sir?'

He goes, ’ Yea u fu*king bitch I wanna open a fu*king account’ .

Clerk, ’Please there’s no need for cussin’ .
’Yo mo**erf*ka I just wanna open a fu*kin account.’

’Sir I’ll help u but please watch ur language’

So the manager comes over,’ Is there a problem here?’

Dude says,’ Yea mothafu*ka I’m trying to fu*kin open a fu*kin account an’ this fu*kin’ bitch won’t let me.’
’Please sir don’t curse and how much in ur account?’
Dude,’ I own $20 Million in lottery’.
Manager says ,’ And this fu*kin bitch ain’t helpin’ u to just open a f*king account?!?’

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"